R.I.P. Dear Leader

North Korea.. If you live there, it is the greatest country on Earth. You grow up believing everyone loves you and that being North Korean is an absolute privilege. Your mothers teach you songs at a young age about the imperialist Americans. You believe that your country crushed the Americans in the Korean war. Your army is infinitely superior to the rest of the world.

Kim Jong-il runs the worlds greatest propaganda machine, far surpassing those of Hitler and Stalin. I have long been fascinated by this strange, isolated country. Therefore, to help you learn a little more about this unique country, I’ve put together a guide of facts about North Korea for you all to enjoy!

1. Kim Jong-il is the worlds greatest guitar player, everyone merely absorbs his greatness vicariously. You can only be hand-selected to play guitar in North Korea.
2. Kim Jong-il has the world’s most nutritious liquid–his own piss.
3. The Beatles said “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”, however, in North Korea, happiness is a warm gun firing through the head of an American imperialist in the name of the state.
4. Every home in North Korea has a state installed radio which can never be turned off, only the volume can be adjusted. They are also equipped with listening devices to crush any dissent.
5. All steps in North Korea must be exactly 7″ tall because thats what the great leader finds to be most comfortable.
6. North Korea’s unequivocal eternal leader, Kim Il-sung, died in 1994. His preserved body can still be viewed, by North Koreans only. His death caused such mass mourning that people reportedly committed suicide at his funeral, or were just executed for showing weakness in public.

   

   Eternal Leader, Kim Il-sung

7. Kim Il-sung achieved a god-like status upon his death. Instead of families saying grace to God before meals, they say grace to Kim Il-Sung.
8. Kim Il-sung is every mothers father and every fathers father. Kim Jong-il has a similar status, however, is more of the stern, disapproving father figure.
9. Kim Il-sung also is believed to have superhuman powers. He could appear simultaneously in the east and the west. He can fly in any direction at will. He is also rumored to have traveled thousands of miles without ever having to stand up.
10. Kim Jong-il does not produce urine or feces. The working people of North Korea produce it for him. The urine he does produce is so powerful, that only Kim Jong-il could have layed eyes on it.
11. Kim Il-sung now appears as a star whenever he pleases and is worshiped like the sun. Therefore, North Koreans worship him on April 15th, otherwise known as The Day of the Sun. The star was also said to have given birth to Kim Jong-il, immaculately. 
12. Electricity is so rationed that North Koreans are forced to use candles powered by sheer willpower alone.
13. When electricity isn’t rationed, light bulbs can only be purchased in 80-Watts, no more, no less. Anything lower would cause laziness and a sedentary lifestyle. Anything more would be imperialist.
14. North Koreans are a proud people who never rest. The standard work week is 6 days, with the 7th being a mandatory “volunteer” work day, basically insuring that no North Korean has any free time.
15. When North Koreans do have spare time, which is estimated at about 15 minutes per day, they are required to have daily self-reflection in which they must describe all of the ways in which they failed to appease the great leader.
16. Kim Jong-il is afraid to fly. He has been known to have things airlifted to him when needed, such as lobsters and cognac. 
17. All of the traffic lights in North Korea are usually not powered due to rationing. Therefore, Kim Jong-il hand selects female traffic directors who stand in a circle and direct traffic. The women are picked for their natural North Korean beauty.

    

    FACT: North Korean women are the most beautiful women in the world.

18. In an emergency, such as a house fire, North Koreans are forced to rescue any pictures of the eternal leader, Kim Il-sung, before all else, even babies. There are even special bunkers reserved for statues in case a war breaks out.
19. Kim Jong-il reportedly invented and is a master of the Internet, not Al Gore as the American media would have you believe. In fact, Kim Jong-il’s Internet is so great, that he made it illegal along with cell phones.
20. Homosexuality is illegal in North Korea–so is heterosexuality.
21. Any non-North Korean who visits the country, if they are allowed in, is assigned a state guide, who is not allowed to leave you on your own.
22. The world’s largest flagpole sits in Kijong-Dong, a city built in the 1950′s by Kim Jong-il’s father. It is on the border with South Korea, although it is just for show of superiority. The city is basically a big concrete shell with the illusion of North Korean superiority. 
23. North Korean music is the only music in the world. You are arrested for listening to or playing any music that the great leader does not approve. Any other music, especially from capitalist countries, is punishable by arrest.
24. North Koreans believe that Kim Jong-il won gold in every event at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.
25. Kim Jong-il is also the North Korean equivalent of Martin Scorsese. In 1978, he had South Korean director Shin Sang-ok and his estranged actress wife, kidnapped in order to make the communist version of Godzilla named Pulgasari. It reportedly won every Oscar, Academy Award, and Golden Globe Award in 1985.

    

    Pulgasari, a Kim-Jong-il joint

26. Kim Jong-il served as executive producer to all 7 of Shin Sang-ok’s movies he directed in North Korea. After an escape attempt, he was placed in prison. He was reunited with his wife and remarried in Pyongyang. They fled to Vienna and eventually the United States where he went on to direct the 3 Ninjas movies.
27. Kim Jong-il has a flower made from his likeness, known as the Kimjongilia.
    

    The Kimjongilia, the most beautiful flower in the world. Strength, honor, and courage are its key characteristics, same as great leader.
28. In North Korean prison camp, if it is deemed that you are not working hard enough, you are immediately executed by firing squad in public.
29. Kim Jong-il is said to have imprisoned not only criminals, but relatives and their off-springs as the criminality spread through 3 generations.
30. Kim Jong-il is the biggest celebrity in North Korea. They believe that he is loved the world over, except in the United States. He is also beloved as a fashion trend-setter. His matching shirt and pants along with retro sunglasses strikes fear to outsiders, especially South Koreans.

    

    Kim-Jong-il, trendsetter

31. Kim Jong-il is the worlds greatest golfer. John Daly? Yeah.. Right. Kim Jong-il invented smoking cigarettes on the golf course. In 1994, Kim Jong-il was entering his prime. He was so good that the PGA would not let him compete against mere mortals. It is a fact that the first time he ever played golf, he shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole course, which included 5 holes in one.
32. Kim Jong-il had all short and disabled people removed from Pyongyang in 1989 for the World Festival of Youth and Students. He did not want people with substandard genes infecting the rest of the worlds youth.
33. Kim Jong-il was Hennessey’s best customer in the mid 80s, spending roughly $750,000 per year on the spirit. He thought Hennessey was so great that he made it illegal for North Koreans to drink. Instead, Kim Jong-il invented Snake Liquor in support of the people.

    

    Hennessey Aficionado

34. Every North Korean must wear a lapel pin with Kim Il-sung or Kim Jong-il’s face on it. It must also be spotless at all times. If caught with anything less, you are subject to immediate public execution.
35. Kim Jong-il liked looking at things…many things.