I’m not advocating the sudden death of Dick Clark, which happened something like 2 minutes ago in the Internet world. World travels fast. However, I have claimed the second celebrity in my 2012 Death Pool after an extremely slow start to 2011. So after my 52 points from Whitney and the 28 from Dick Clark, my trusty calculator puts me at 80 total points for the year… and its only April.
This now squashes my theory that Dick Clark was actually a hologram resurrected for every New Years celebration as some weird tradition that needed to be carried over for nostalgic purposes. I will officially be out of hologram theories if Joan Rivers decides she is ever going to die.
The day has finally come. I have scored my first points in my 2011 Celebrity Death Pool after 12 agonizing months of almost finishing pointless.
In other shocking world news, Great Leader Kim Jong-il, has allegedly perished from this Earth. Although he has been known to have faked his death before, it seems like the real deal this time. Although, he could just be in an underground bunker with Saddam, Ghadaffi, and Mubarak waiting for their time to take over.
Initial reports say that stocks of Hennessy have dropped dramatically and machines and other various items in North Korea has been widely un-looked at.
The guys kick off with some off-season basketball news and whether or not the Palestra is cool or not. College football jerseys are
debated and Kyle reveals the advantages of being color blind. Tim goes on to speculate on the upcoming season of Wife Swap.
Later on, two white guys explain a racist act to another white guy, plus more racist acts of the week before are discussed. Plus, the long national nightmare is over: wine kiosks shut down. Plus its the beginning of the end of the self-checkout era, the fellas share their memories.
After a short Dorito-zombie interlude, Darrell Clarke’s bill to curb housing around Temple’s campus is the topic of discussion and we philosophize as to who is right in the student vs. North Philly resident debate. Plus, here’s an update on the falling satellite: it crashed.
Prop betting is discussed and the guys start their own prop betting game. If your into porking, but not pork, you should look into PETA’s new porn site. Speaking of PETA, the guys think they should pump their brakes and just stick to the basics, and do they owe Mike Vick more?
The guys go on to discuss the troubles of the Philadelphia Eagles and their “dream team” stigma. Travel agent Tim tells us to go to Jamaica and the non-Juarez parts of Mexico. Finally, Kyle signs us off.
Saw this article today and I couldn’t help but think of The Wicker Man, no matter how stupid that movie may be.
ISLAND PARK, Idaho, July 12 (UPI) — A semi-trailer truck tipped over along a highway in Idaho, spilling more than 14 million bees and a quantity of honey across the pavement, authorities say.
What do you do when your country loses to your sworn enemy in a Women’s World Cup soccer match? Make up an excuse. That’s precisely what the coach of the North Korean women’s soccer team did Tuesday, as the United States defeated North Korea 2-0. Oh I should have mentioned, yes, there really is a Women’s World Cup.. Although judging from the picture, the North Korean players may be disguised as men? Unless widespread famine and malnourishment makes you look that ugly. But hey, maybe that’s the reason why they are so pissed off at the rest of the world in the first place? They are just told that women in North Korea are the most beautiful women in the world.
Anyway, coach Kwang Min Kim claimed that five unnamed players were struck by lightning at a training match in Pyongyang leading up to the World Cup.
“Some stayed in hospital and then came to Germany later than the rest of us. The goalkeeper and the four defenders were most affected, and some midfielders as well. The physicians said the players were not capable of participating in the tournament … But World Cup football is the most important and significant event for a footballer, so they don’t want to think about anything but football … The fact that they played could be called abnormal, the result of very strong will.” – Coach Kim
Since the players are not allowed to talk to the press, the world shall never know who was affected, or if they really were struck by lightning. To be fair, if I were the coach of North Korea, I would make up any excuses I can in order to delay my inevitable fate upon returning home. I imagine once the North Koreans lose their second match, these players and coach will no longer be relevant or heard from ever again. They will either be forced to work in a prison camp, or executed for their lack of national spirit.. Til next time..
REPORT: Miami Police Can’t Even Handle Rapper ‘Flo Rida’ After Night Of The Club Not Being Able To Handle Him Right Now
Miami Beach, Florida – Dazed onlookers couldn’t help but stop and stare Thursday night, as rapper Flo Rida zoned out in Miami’s Dream Nightclub.
One of the club’s patrons, who wishes to remain anonymous, said “Yeah, he was really going all out, the club really couldn’t handle him”.
Other presumably jealous patrons described the rapper as “arrogant like yeah” as he surrounded himself with bottles and models. At one point, he was even standing on chairs, flashing his cash, and making all of the girls melt.
The club’s owner says that Flo visits often, because Dream is one of the few Miami Beach nightclubs that can actually handle Flo Rida. He doesn’t mind the extra attention on these nights. “Flo knows everyone is watching, he goes all out because there’s so much attention, he rocks, he rolls, he holds, he knows it, everyone knows it”.
After copious amount of shots, and about 10 rounds of Kato, Flo decided that the celebration was no longer the only thing he knew. Instead of stepping out of the club and into his new limo (some say it was in the shop), he stepped into his car and started to drive himself back home. As you all know, Flo goes ALL out and stepped into his $1.3+ million Bugatti Veyron, one of the most ridiculous sports cars on the planet.
After spending that kind of ‘Flo’ on a car, and walking into the club and tossing a couple thousand dollars in the air, there must not be a lot of money to go around for a driver, because Flo was arrested Thursday night for driving under the influence and driving with a suspended license.
Flo was asked by police to walk in a straight line, after failing, Flo was quoted as saying “Officers, I can’t do this. I don’t feel I can walk a straight line. I had a few drinks. I own the light and I don’t need no help. Let’s try another test, I really can’t handle this right now”. While some adoring fans had gathered around the scene, pleading to the officers to let him free, and even offering to give Flo a ride home, Miami police put their collective feet down and hauled the rapper off to jail.
Obviously he was released on bail, but come on Flo. I know you do it big all over the globe, but when you are going all out, at least hire a driver to get you there and back safely.
North Korea.. If you live there, it is the greatest country on Earth. You grow up believing everyone loves you and that being North Korean is an absolute privilege. Your mothers teach you songs at a young age about the imperialist Americans. You believe that your country crushed the Americans in the Korean war. Your army is infinitely superior to the rest of the world.
Kim Jong-il runs the worlds greatest propaganda machine, far surpassing those of Hitler and Stalin. I have long been fascinated by this strange, isolated country. Therefore, to help you learn a little more about this unique country, I’ve put together a guide of facts about North Korea for you all to enjoy!
Flag of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea
Kim Jong-il is the worlds greatest guitar player, everyone merely absorbs his greatness vicariously. You can only be hand-selected to play guitar in North Korea.
Kim Jong-il has the world’s most nutritious liquid–his own piss.
The Beatles said “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”, however, in North Korea, happiness is a warm gun firing through the head of an American imperialist in the name of the state.
Every home in North Korea has a state installed radio which can never be turned off, only the volume can be adjusted. They are also equipped with listening devices to crush any dissent.
All steps in North Korea must be exactly 7″ tall because thats what the great leader finds to be most comfortable.
North Korea’s unequivocal eternal leader, Kim Il-sung, died in 1994. His preserved body can still be viewed, by North Koreans only. His death caused such mass mourning that people reportedly committed suicide at his funeral, or were just executed for showing weakness in public.
Eternal Leader, Kim Il-sung
Kim Il-sung achieved a god-like status upon his death. Instead of families saying grace to God before meals, they say grace to Kim Il-Sung.
Kim Il-sung is every mothers father and every fathers father. Kim Jong-il has a similar status, however, is more of the stern, disapproving father figure.
Kim Il-sung also is believed to have superhuman powers. He could appear simultaneously in the east and the west. He can fly in any direction at will. He is also rumored to have traveled thousands of miles without ever having to stand up.
Kim Jong-il does not produce urine or feces. The working people of North Korea produce it for him. The urine he does produce is so powerful, that only Kim Jong-il could have layed eyes on it.
Kim Il-sung now appears as a star whenever he pleases and is worshiped like the sun. Therefore, North Koreans worship him on April 15th, otherwise known as The Day of the Sun. The star was also said to have given birth to Kim Jong-il, immaculately.
Electricity is so rationed that North Koreans are forced to use candles powered by sheer willpower alone.
When electricity isn’t rationed, light bulbs can only be purchased in 80-Watts, no more, no less. Anything lower would cause laziness and a sedentary lifestyle. Anything more would be imperialist.
North Koreans are a proud people who never rest. The standard work week is 6 days, with the 7th being a mandatory “volunteer” work day, basically insuring that no North Korean has any free time.
When North Koreans do have spare time, which is estimated at about 15 minutes per day, they are required to have daily self-reflection in which they must describe all of the ways in which they failed to appease the great leader.
Kim Jong-il is afraid to fly. He has been known to have things airlifted to him when needed, such as lobsters and cognac.
All of the traffic lights in North Korea are usually not powered due to rationing. Therefore, Kim Jong-il hand selects female traffic directors who stand in a circle and direct traffic. The women are picked for their natural North Korean beauty.
FACT: North Korean women are the most beautiful women in the world.
In an emergency, such as a house fire, North Koreans are forced to rescue any pictures of the eternal leader, Kim Il-sung, before all else, even babies. There are even special bunkers reserved for statues in case a war breaks out.
Kim Jong-il reportedly invented and is a master of the Internet, not Al Gore as the American media would have you believe. In fact, Kim Jong-il’s Internet is so great, that he made it illegal along with cell phones.
Homosexuality is illegal in North Korea–so is heterosexuality.
Any non-North Korean who visits the country, if they are allowed in, is assigned a state guide, who is not allowed to leave you on your own.
The world’s largest flagpole sits in Kijong-Dong, a city built in the 1950′s by Kim Jong-il’s father. It is on the border with South Korea, although it is just for show of superiority. The city is basically a big concrete shell with the illusion of North Korean superiority.
North Korean music is the only music in the world. You are arrested for listening to or playing any music that the great leader does not approve. Any other music, especially from capitalist countries, is punishable by arrest.
North Koreans believe that Kim Jong-il won gold in every event at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.
Kim Jong-il is also the North Korean equivalent of Martin Scorsese. In 1978, he had South Korean director Shin Sang-ok and his estranged actress wife, kidnapped in order to make the communist version of Godzilla named Pulgasari. It reportedly won every Oscar, Academy Award, and Golden Globe Award in 1985.
Pulgasari, a Kim-Jong-il joint
Kim Jong-il served as executive producer to all 7 of Shin Sang-ok’s movies he directed in North Korea. After an escape attempt, he was placed in prison. He was reunited with his wife and remarried in Pyongyang. They fled to Vienna and eventually the United States where he went on to direct the 3 Ninjas movies.
Kim Jong-il has a flower made from his likeness, known as the Kimjongilia.
The Kimjongilia, the most beautiful flower in the world. Strength, honor, and courage are its key characteristics, same as great leader.
In North Korean prison camp, if it is deemed that you are not working hard enough, you are immediately executed by firing squad in public.
Kim Jong-il is said to have imprisoned not only criminals, but relatives and their off-springs as the criminality spread through 3 generations.
Kim Jong-il is the biggest celebrity in North Korea. They believe that he is loved the world over, except in the United States. He is also beloved as a fashion trend-setter. His matching shirt and pants along with retro sunglasses strikes fear to outsiders, especially South Koreans.
Kim-Jong-il, trendsetter
Kim Jong-il is the worlds greatest golfer. John Daly? Yeah.. Right. Kim Jong-il invented smoking cigarettes on the golf course. In 1994, Kim Jong-il was entering his prime. He was so good that the PGA would not let him compete against mere mortals. It is a fact that the first time he ever played golf, he shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole course, which included 5 holes in one.
Kim Jong-il had all short and disabled people removed from Pyongyang in 1989 for the World Festival of Youth and Students. He did not want people with substandard genes infecting the rest of the worlds youth.
Kim Jong-il was Hennessey’s best customer in the mid 80s, spending roughly $750,000 per year on the spirit. He thought Hennessey was so great that he made it illegal for North Koreans to drink. Instead, Kim Jong-il invented Snake Liquor in support of the people.
Hennessey Aficionado
Every North Korean must wear a lapel pin with Kim Il-sung or Kim Jong-il’s face on it. It must also be spotless at all times. If caught with anything less, you are subject to immediate public execution.
As some may know, I enjoy farming for organic feral cats on some nights and most weekends. I simply find some on the streets, plant them, and hope new ones begin to grow. Why? Well, two reasons.. One, everyone should know that their feral cat has been organically grown and is bred to be a total bad ass. And two, feral cats make up about 60-70% of my readers on Oh Herro Prease. I also base these statistics on absolutely nothing, however, what self-respecting feral cat WOULDN’T want to read Oh Herro Prease, honestly?!
This is why I am proud to announce HERRO-PREASE.COM! That’s right, you no longer have to type in .wordpress.com. No longer will you be thinking, “is this guy for real with this .wordpress bullshit?” No longer will I have to write angry letters to Danica Patrick… well I still will. But now this site is as legit as possible. So update your favorites, tell your friends, get grandma out of bed, and brew up some morning oil.. because theres plenty more to come!
I have never been so compelled to write a movie pre-review in my entire life until now. While watching Morning Joe brought to you by Starbucks on MSNBC (name dropping hard this morning), I came across a discussion on the upcoming ‘Soul Surfer’ movie. For the record.. I have not seen this movie. For the record.. I will not be seeing this movie. So if you are planning on seeing it, don’t be alarmed. There are no spoilers (although its safe to assume she either gets attacked by a shark–or we meet up shortly after a shark attack).
This ‘inspirational’ tale follows the story of a precocious wunder-surfer named Bethany Hamilton. In 2003, the then 13-year old champion surfer was attacked by a tiger shark whilst surfing in what I assume to be the ocean. Judging from the picture above, the shark took a massive hole out of her surfing board, as well as removed her left arm completely from her body. While once a strong willed 2 armed 13-year old girl, she presumably became a dejected 1-armed 13 year old girl with a bright future ahead of her.
The ‘accident’ (I use quotes because when you go out into the ocean looking like a tasty ass seal, you are–or should be–well aware that sharks may think you look fucking delicious) occurred on October 31, 2003. By January 10, 2004, she was already back in the mother fucking ocean surfing in some major event. I’ll give her that, she’s one tough kid for getting back into the forsaken ocean and surfing a major competition. Of course the feel good story of the year media machine is kicked into full gear and she is offered, like, book deals, appearances in Time and People, as well as appearances on 20/20, GMA, Inside Edition, Oprah, Ellen, and Leno. She even won $25,000 on are you smarter than a 5th grader…..WOW. Oh and she appeared on ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It just proves that Americans love a feel-good jailbait story!
Her 2004 biographical book was the inspiration for the upcoming movie. I mean, she isn’t Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber, who command a whopping 176 and 240 pages in their books respectively. Her book is as long as Biebers….. seriously. From what I’ve been reading, she was pretty much a surfer for the practical part of her 14-year existence as well as a religious freak of some sort. She didn’t grow up in Canada as a woman, post videos of herself on youtube singing and dancing, transform into a lesbian boy, make it big in the US, and become a teen sensation by age 14. She surfed. I can see how Bieber would command such a page turner, but surfing, meh..
So whatever, she lost an arm, 4 months later shes back surfing. She overcame obstacles, fear, etc etc etc. But the real reason she prevailed, in her mind, and apparently everyone else’s minds, is because of her Christian faith and her belief in the Jesus. Who could see that one coming? I didn’t have an issue with the Jesus thing until other people on Morning Joe were justifying her courageous acts because of her faith in the Jesus. I did some searching and everything from her wiki page to youtube videos is all about Jesus this and Christianity that, check it out:
I’ll save you some time.. skip to about 0:45 where the religioilia begins:
Maybe I am being a bit unfair, but come on. If you want to surf, and you love fucking surfing, then you are gonna get out in the water and surf again. Jesus doesn’t make you do something you aren’t comfortable with. She truly loved surfing. She did it her whole life. It could have been worse, the shark could have bit off your leg or your head. Don’t get me wrong, it took a lot of guts to go back in the shark-infested ocean again, but its like a bowler saying how courageous he is for getting back on the lanes after losing an arm in a freak bowling ball return accident. But bowling is fucking easy tho. You technically don’t even need arms….or legs:
So I think its safe to say.. I’m not exactly impressed by this story. Had she lost an arm and became a champion softball/tennis/basketball/hockey player, then maybe we can talk. Hell, if she became a one-legged surfer I would be even more impressed because you know, you actually need legs as opposed to arms, for surfing. But no, lets give her a special ESPY for being so inspirational to all the one-armed people of the world. Give me a break. People are a lot worse off, but you showed that even though you suffered this life-altering injury, you got back on a board 4-months later and still competed. Its even more impressive that you went pro and joined the NSSA circuit. I just don’t think you deserved a movie, sorry.
So I did it again. Another month of inactivity goes by. I know.. its crazy. I’m even going through withdrawal from not having enough ‘me’ in my life. So once again, I will vow to update on a semi-regular basis.. for real this time!
I’m going to publish my stance on the whole Charlie Sheen situation once things unfold a little more. Its just too good right now so get ya popcorn out and keep #WINNING! And apparently nothing was going on in the rest of the world other than his meltdown. So Wisconsin, WikiLeaks, Libya.. fuck off, America’s got real problems!
A few updates I would like to throw out there:
HerroPrease has hit the 1K viewers mark and to show my appreciation to my dear fans, I offer all of you a free subscription to HerroPrease! Memebers have exclusive access to.. well.. everything non-subscribers have access to.. but if you ever provide me feedback you will be rewarded in some way shape and/or form.
There are a few new Love Is… comics up so check them out!
I am officially #atwar with @DanicaPatrick over the rights to HerroPrease.com.. I’ll explain more in another post. I have a lot of problems with GoDaddy but I’ll spare the rant for now.
The 2011 Celebrity Death Pool is really heating up! Zsa Zsa is in the hospital again.. how did I miss that pick? So far 2011 has been a weak year for celeb deaths. Spring and Summer is when the shit really starts to hit the fan!
I’m not advocating the sudden death of Dick Clark, which happened something like 2 minutes ago in the Internet world. World travels fast. However, I have claimed the second celebrity in my 2012 Death Pool after an extremely slow start to 2011. So after my 52 points from Whitney and the 28 from Dick Clark, my trusty calculator puts me at 80 total points for the year… and its only April. 
