Archive for April, 2011

Condom Sense

Posted: April 26, 2011 by Tim in Completely Pointless, Fails, General Annoyance
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Location: 8th and Green Sts, Philadelphia PA

I felt compelled to write this post today after a disgusting, yet unsurprising find on a recent walk through my neighborhood. If the title of this article misled you into thinking that I would be writing about advocating condom usage, then I apologize (for the record, I do support it). This post is more-or-less to analyze the mindset of the individual who decided to dispose of this most intimate and personal item on a city sidewalk as opposed to, you know, a trash receptacle.

Just as a brief side note to this story, I saw this particular condom rotting into the fabric of the sidewalk a week ago, only to find it still laying in the same place as of yesterday evening.. and here we are.

I want to run a few scenarios to really figure out why this phenomenon would occur, and I do appreciate any input fellow readers may have into this subject. So without further ado:

  1. Cheating spouse/partner. Perhaps the condom could not be properly disposed inside of a residence because the unsuspecting partner would find out of their infidelities.
  2. Forgetfulness. Perhaps after the act of sexual congress commenced,  the culprit simply got dressed without removing said condom and didn’t realize until they hit the streets. Rather than find the nearest trash can, they took it off and flung it to the ground.
  3. No trash cans. Philly is notorious for litter which can be attributed to the lack of trash bins. Since the sanitation department is completely mafia-controlled, they could care less how dirty the city is.
  4. A conscientious rapist. While I hope this is not the case, perhaps a rapist didn’t want to infect the victim with their nasty sexually transmitted diseases.
  5. A laissez-faire attitude toward littering. This is likely the most logical explanation. As mentioned above, people in Philly tend to litter more regardless of the proximity of trash bins. Simply put, throwing trash in the streets makes it someone else’s problem.
  6. Culprit was unaware of how to dispose of a condom. Many people are idiots. Condoms do not explicitly tell you how to throw away a condom, so when all else fails, toss it in the street.
  7. Someone got caught. Perhaps the boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse came home a little too early and caught the cheater in the act. Culprit simply ran out, condom on and all, and again, whipped it into the streets as to remove any and all links to the encounter.
These are just my ideas, I happily encourage anyone to weigh in on this as I am completely dumbfounded to why this occurred.
Til next time, out..

Sneak Preview: Soul Surfer

Posted: April 6, 2011 by Tim in Completely Pointless, General Annoyance, News, Sports
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I have never been so compelled to write a movie pre-review in my entire life until now. While watching Morning Joe brought to you by Starbucks on MSNBC (name dropping hard this morning), I came across a discussion on the upcoming ‘Soul Surfer’ movie. For the record.. I have not seen this movie. For the record.. I will not be seeing this movie. So if you are planning on seeing it, don’t be alarmed. There are no spoilers (although its safe to assume she either gets attacked by a shark–or we meet up shortly after a shark attack).

This ‘inspirational’ tale follows the story of a precocious wunder-surfer named Bethany Hamilton. In 2003, the then 13-year old champion surfer was attacked by a tiger shark whilst surfing in what I assume to be the ocean. Judging from the picture above, the shark took a massive hole out of her surfing board, as well as removed her left arm completely from her body. While once a strong willed 2 armed 13-year old girl, she presumably became a dejected 1-armed 13 year old girl with a bright future ahead of her.

The ‘accident’ (I use quotes because when you go out into the ocean looking like a tasty ass seal, you are–or should be–well aware that sharks may think you look fucking delicious) occurred on October 31, 2003. By January 10, 2004, she was already back in the mother fucking ocean surfing in some major event. I’ll give her that, she’s one tough kid for getting back into the forsaken ocean and surfing a major competition. Of course the feel good story of the year media machine is kicked into full gear and she is offered, like, book deals, appearances in Time and People, as well as appearances on 20/20, GMA, Inside Edition, Oprah, Ellen, and Leno. She even won $25,000 on are you smarter than a 5th grader…..WOW. Oh and she appeared on ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It just proves that Americans love a feel-good jailbait story!

Her 2004 biographical book was the inspiration for the upcoming movie. I mean, she isn’t Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber, who command a whopping 176 and 240 pages in their books respectively. Her book is as long as Biebers….. seriously. From what I’ve been reading, she was pretty much a surfer for the practical part of her 14-year existence as well as a religious freak of some sort. She didn’t grow up in Canada as a woman, post videos of herself on youtube singing and dancing, transform into a lesbian boy, make it big in the US, and become a teen sensation by age 14. She surfed. I can see how Bieber would command such a page turner, but surfing, meh..

So whatever, she lost an arm, 4 months later shes back surfing. She overcame obstacles, fear, etc etc etc. But the real reason she prevailed, in her mind, and apparently everyone else’s minds, is because of her Christian faith and her belief in the Jesus. Who could see that one coming? I didn’t have an issue with the Jesus thing until other people on Morning Joe were justifying her courageous acts because of her faith in the Jesus. I did some searching and everything from her wiki page to youtube videos is all about Jesus this and Christianity that, check it out:

I’ll save you some time.. skip to about 0:45 where the religioilia begins:

Maybe I am being a bit unfair, but come on. If you want to surf, and you love fucking surfing, then you are gonna get out in the water and surf again. Jesus doesn’t make you do something you aren’t comfortable with. She truly loved surfing. She did it her whole life. It could have been worse, the shark could have bit off your leg or your head. Don’t get me wrong, it took a lot of guts to go back in the shark-infested ocean again, but its like a bowler saying how courageous he is for getting back on the lanes after losing an arm in a freak bowling ball return accident. But bowling is fucking easy tho. You technically don’t even need arms….or legs:

So I think its safe to say.. I’m not exactly impressed by this story. Had she lost an arm and became a champion softball/tennis/basketball/hockey player, then maybe we can talk. Hell, if she became a one-legged surfer I would be even more impressed because you know, you actually need legs as opposed to arms, for surfing. But no, lets give her a special ESPY for being so inspirational to all the one-armed people of the world. Give me a break. People are a lot worse off, but you showed that even though you suffered this life-altering injury, you got back on a board 4-months later and still competed. Its even more impressive that you went pro and joined the NSSA circuit. I just don’t think you deserved a movie, sorry.

Til next time.. faith be with you.

Bacon

Posted: April 5, 2011 by Tim in Completely Pointless
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Bacon. Can also be used interchangeably with ‘beercan‘, if you are Jamaican.  In the words of the ever-knowledgeable Sean Rossman: “Bacon is SO outrageous”. Indeed it is, good sir. For years, this fellow intellect and I have debated about the pros and cons of bacon. I argue in favor of its deliciousness, versatility, and overall health benefits. Sean’s school of thought revolves around it being a gross, fat-fried-in-fat pork by-product and is a complete cop-out of a food. I understand his point of view. I do agree that bacon has become completely outrageous and is a cop out, as it is basically used to make any food instantly better. Shitty burger? Better slap some bacon on it then!

Bacon is defined as “the back and sides of the hog, salted and dried or smoked, usually sliced thin and fried for food”. It can also be used idiomatically, see “bringing home the bacon”. Theres fatty bacon such as fatback, or lean bacon such as pork loin. It can be made from turkey meat (how blasphemous!), or even beef, chicken, lamb, and goat.  Some religions forbid indulging in the swine, while others embrace it AS a religion.

Anyway, like I was sayin’, bacon is the fruit of the land. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, bacon-kabobs, bacon creole, bacon gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple bacon, lemon bacon, coconut bacon, pepper bacon, bacon soup, bacon stew, bacon salad, bacon and potatoes, bacon burger, bacon sandwich. That- that’s about it.

The Bacon Bra

No, Bubba, That’s FAR from it. Maybe things were different back in Vietnam, but bacon can be cooked a million more ways. In fact, bacon can be found in everything from clothing, vodka, beer, ice cream sundaes, alarm clocks, cookies, exclusive clubs, salt, jams, books, mathematics, Kevin Bacon, and for countless other items such as baconaise, tactical canned bacon, lip balm, and just about every conceivable product known to man.

Denny's Baconalia Sundae

Canadians also do a hell of a job in the bacon department. They brine and coat a whole eye of pork loin in peameal and fry it up. Makes one hell of a sammich, I must say. The rest of the world sort of understands that you don’t necessarily need bacon to make a dish better. But here in America, the idea is to basically get bacon in any dish in any way shape or form. Inject it, stuff it, wrap it, top it, fry something in bacon grease, or just eat the grease:

The point is.. well I don’t know if I really have a point. I filed this one under ‘completely pointless’. Bacon most certainly has its pros and cons. For one, eating processed meats such as bacon can increase ones risk of cancer. On the other hand, its fucking delicious. One must ask themselves… how do I feel about the bacon? My best advice is to avoid all the hype. If Wendy’s needs to put 17 pieces of bacon on a burger to make it delicious, its probably a shitty burger. While I can’t resist the urge to eat anything bacon-related to cure a hangover, I tend to stray from it. A great chef doesn’t need to rely on bacon to make their food good. Whatever your stance is on bacon, I support you. Its a necessary evil, and thats what makes bacon what it is today.

Out..