Tags: delayed smile, hermain cain, Poll, stephen colbert
Tags: cargo shorts, Saved By The Bell: The New Class
Cargo shorts are leaving us. Actually, they’re done. There have been many fads for the generation that is now in their twenties, but none lasted as long as the cargo short. Others sprouted up but faded away much quicker. The mid to late 90’s brought the baggy jeans era, from 2000 to about 2005 was the era where all of us sported the brand of our clothing directly on our shirts as if it were a statement (Aeropostale, Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister). Baggy Jeans came and went quickly in the late 1990s but left in its wake a trail of loosely fitted pants for years to come. Thankfully, hipsters have helped shift the pant fitting paradigm towards the tighter side, placing us in a time where pants fit appropriately. If you threw out all dignity and embraced the market of ripped jeans, then I have no respect for you. Ripped jeans are a balmy abomination of taste, and not so much a trend as a national regret on par with Saved By The Bell: The New Class. No trend will make us cringe more in 15 years than purposely ripped jeans. Things like skinny jeans, flannel, and polo shirts will go out of style again but then come back into style and our kids will be fawning over how cool we looked back then. But ripped jeans can never stay cool and will never stay cool, no matter what. It may again be cool again sometime in the future to wear brand names on shirts, even if ironically so, like what we see in hipsters. By the way, if you wanted to make a nice argument at a party, you could argue that wearing brands on casual apparel is a true sign of the extremes of consumer culture. We bought shirts with the brand name prominently displayed on it (think Idiocracy), then wore it, and then we were convinced it was cool! That’s Clockwork Orange manipulation.
Throughout it all, cargo shorts have remained constant. Always the standard bearer of laid back, the Cassius Clay of casual, these pocketed clothing chameleons successfully bridged your adolescent life and your adult life. Since about the year 2000 cargo shorts have maintained some sort of stylistic relevance. Shia Laboeuf’s entire acting career has been within the millennial Cargo short era. Look at a picture of yourself circa 2002 and you’ll find you or one of your squad dressed in a pair of these over-pocketed parachutes. They were perfect, weight neutral and with the ability to carry so many things, and let us not forget, stylish at the same time. All types of people wore them: preps, athletes, gothic, metal underworld, oversexed nerds, undersexed nerds, dudes/ladies without a crowd, lesbians and even those simply unwilling to part with the traditional short-alternative, the jean short. The cargo short, made out of khaki material, could confidently be embraced by jean-short-wearing skeptics. The haters were silenced when test after test showed that the cargo short waistline was substantial enough to support a clip-on walkman. But it’s over now, and if you are saying it isn’t, then get yourself out of the Pac Sun outlet you are currently in.
Cargos were the ultimate beer/beverage transporter for Gen Y. While other generations before us had a very lax police presence that yielded their reckless behavior, for us the cargo short was our way of circumventing a domineering police state bent on ruining all types of poor decisions that are crucial to any child’s upbringing. Because our parents fucked it up for us by laughing at the very unfunny (yea, I said it) Cheech and Chong and getting high and naked and then covering themselves in mud at a concert and then romanticizing it later, our generation had to suffer the consequences. Whether it’s our parents’ fault or not, we still had to deal with the repercussions and guess what? We handled it the best. The greatest generation of World War II would have just lamented the situation and wrote to “a girl back home,” which, by the way, is uncomfortably someone’s current grandma. The Vietnam Era would have just burned their driver’s license and told us to fuck off. While those who were teenagers in the 80s were too busy writing the nerd-gets-the-girl plotline that has infected every movie since 1995. But we, Generation Y, having no other way to have fun because our Mom is drinking a Paxil, Rum and Coke in the next room and screaming about Ryan Seacrest, had to improvise in the only way we knew how: we wore our condition.
The success of embarking in any form of substance between the ages of 15 and 19 is really all about utility. How can I make the most out of this situation? I need to get booze into my system but it’s illegal for me to purchase. Also, let’s say you do acquire booze? Most decent parents do not approve of you drinking around them. Therefore, you must do it in the cover of basements, wooded areas, bushes, or bleachers. This all requires a bit of ingenuity and cunning, both characteristics which are aided by a decent sense of utility for all the things around them. This is where the cargo short really shined, it had incalculable value in terms of transporting and hiding substances. It was genuinely a short meant to carry cargo. There was nothing better than just feeling the coolness of a beer pressed up against your leg while it sits in your lower side pocket of your shorts. Picture yourself 7 years younger than you are now. You are either at a high school sporting event or a less-eventful basement party somewhere. Someone in your crew is staggering around with these Samsonites as legs, and their packed with beers. If you had a good cargo short, the lower side pocket not only held 2 upright unopened beers but opened ones as well without spilling. When you reach 21, there is no reason to hide beers on your person, and now that you’ve grown up, you’ve discovered the coming-of-age joy of preparing a perfectly packed cooler, so the cargo shorts are moot.
The cargo short was diverse. People wear them with a button-up shirt, and for those harder, just a beater. For the smelly kid at gym class, it was an acceptable gym class short. However, this was based on the technicality that it was closely related to the jean short, which was given way too much leeway in the athletic wear department. By the transitive property the cargo short was viewed as an athletic short, but much to this commentators chagrin. It should be stated that the only criteria for the kid who never brought his gym clothes was not that he was poor or lazy, but that he was smelly. Think about it.
The cargo short was the perfect blend of utility and style, grace and performance if you will. Clothing can be ruined by too much utility and not enough style (the zip-off pant leg, transition lenses), or killed by style and not enough utility (the baggy pant, unseasonable scarves). The cargo short, however, seemed to play both roles well. So it was a sad day for me when I realized that I had to give up the cargo short. I reached into my closet while preparing for a beach trip and grabbed a wrinkly portal the past that I hadn’t worn in a while, with that vague military color that goes with anything, and I just knew it was over. I just knew it.
I think it’s that we’ve grown up. We no longer require large pockets. We need less cargo, although ironically life was a bit simpler when we needed more. Makes you think. But now cell phones aren’t large, no more thick charcoal bricks of flip phones and Trac phones. The tri-fold wallet has gone the way of the dodo while the clip has ably stepped in. We carry less, while also carrying more. Think again.
Tags: alternate universes, anthony hopkins, carl feilberg, celebrities, christopher walken, civil war, conspiracy, dr who, gerard butler, hollywood, humanoids, jack black, joe pesci, john krasiinski, john travolta, john wilkes booth, jumpers, keanu reeves, leonardo da vinci, liam neeson, louis ck, michael jackson, napoleon bonaparte, nic cage, paul mounet, paul revere, pope gregory ix, raphael, revolutionary war, space fluff, steve buscemi, sylvester stallone, the matrix, time travel, twilight zone, vampires, vincent van gogh
It took me quite a bit of time to come up with a title to this article. Mainly because I’m still not 100% sure what to make of this. Are some celebrities time travelers? Are they just ‘undead’ (I won’t call them vampires outright, because vampires are totally stupid) or were they part of some top-secret jumpers program like Obama supposedly was in his youth? You may have to research that last one on your own, because I can talk ad-nauseum about this (and I want to stay somewhat on topic). Or could this be something completely different altogether? Perhaps our current timelines are converging with those of an alternate, or MANY alternate universes and seeing Nic Cage as a Civil War-era chap is just the repercussions of this merging. With 2012 reaching its midpoint, our solar system hurling through a region of highly-magnetized ‘fluff’ that stretches several thousand light years through our galaxy, our Earth being blanketed with nuclear fallout from Fukushima and our material world completely shitting the bed.. I kind of wouldn’t mind going back to the past and fucking with some timelines as well. I think I’ve been watching too much Twilight Zone and Dr. Who. I didn’t really have a point to this introductory paragraph, so I’m just going to move on to the evidence.
Nicolas Kim Coppola, AKA Nic Cage
For full disclosure purposes, I am a huge Nic Cage fan. Despite having some of the most atrocious hairstyles in his movies, he almost always plays a solid role. I say almost because if you’ve ever seen The Wicker Man, you’ll know what I mean. Anyway, Nic has played a lot of extremely smart or ahead-of-their-time-type characters (National Treasure, Knowing, Con Air..kidding) and I never really made the connection til I saw Civil War Nic Cage. The reason he knows it all, is because he’s sort of ‘been there/done that’. So maybe he really did find a National Treasure and was part of a massive psy-op/cover-up to make people think its all fiction, but really, its based on a true story. It also doesn’t hurt that he NEVER seems to age either.
Keanu Charles Reeves, AKA Keanu Reeves
Thousands of years ago in the future, there was a man named Keanu Reeves. One of the more entertaining examples, as it appears Keanu may be more than just a time traveler, but perhaps the MASTER of time travel. This is also entirely believable since he never appears to age and has seemingly regressed to his old 1530s pirate look as of late. The 1875 version was coincidentally (or not) a French actor named Paul Mounet who was also noted for his emotionless, deadpan acting style. Interestingly enough, he also died under mysterious circumstances in which no body was ever recovered, allegedly. Maybe The Matrix isn’t as far from reality as I may have thought originally.
John Joseph Travolta, AKA John Travolta
This one actually creeps me out a little bit. Not the time travel thing, but more-or-less the creepy “I’m going to grab your cock and then tell you about how the Jews run Hollywood” kind of look he’s giving in both pictures. I don’t think Travolta is of the undead-variety like Nic Cage, mainly because he seems to be aging really poorly. But maybe that’s just to throw everyone off the proverbial trail. There really is no explanation for either of these pictures. Maybe they were time assassins sent to stop John Wilkes Booth from assassinating Lincoln, or maybe JT was just a male prostitute. Who really knows. While these two are interesting examples, the next one really blows my mind.
Thomas Jacob “Jack” Black, AKA Jack Black, AKA Paul Revere
This is perhaps the most uncanny reference of them all. Paul Revere, the man who supposedly warned of an upcoming British invasion during the Revolutionary War, or if you are Sarah Palin you probably believe something entirely different. Frankly, I don’t really care. Judging on Jack Black’s persona, this is also probably the most believable example as well.
John Burke Krasinski, AKA “Jim Halpert”
Most commonly known as “Jim” from the office, bears an uncanny resemblance to human rights activist Carl Adolph Feilberg from an 1835 portrait painting by Christen Kobke.
Michael Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone, AKA Sylvester Stallone, AKA Sly Stallone
The most recent time travel reference to make the rounds. Sly appears to appear in this 16th Century painting by Raphael, peering stoic-ly at Pope Gregory IX. This is part of a larger painting which is housed at the Vatican. While some may argue that Sly has rather common Italian features and that this is just some kind of coincidence, I beg to differ. When viewing the painting as a whole, several other celebrities ‘appear’ around Pope Gregory IX. So what was so special about this? And was Raphael trying to tell us something, much like Da Vinci, but trying to warn us to avoid shitty movies in the future?
I would have thought the Stallone reference was just a coincidence, however, it appears that this is more of a group photo than anything. From left to right: Sylvester Stallone, Christopher Walken, Napoleon Bonaparte (?), Anthony Hopkins (Pope), Steve Buscemi, Joe Pesci, Louis CK (or Vincent Van Gogh), Liam Neeson and an older Gerard Butler (kneeling).
Perhaps these are just random occurrences. After all, there have been billions of people/humanoids on this planet throughout history, so there a bound to be similar faces as well. I am sure there are others, as there are certainly a few suspicious celebrities who never seem to age, such as Will Smith. And when you consider the types of movies people like Smith make, you can totally relate it. Anyway, as our timelines seemingly continue to converge to a point, maybe we will see more of these occurrences, which I will be sure to document. I will close with one final comparison, although I am not convinced as much as I am with the evidence above. It is of Michael Jackson. We saw MJ grow up into a beautiful woman, but all jokes aside, he was very much ‘aware’ in terms of conspiracies and the occult and I believe he also ‘died’ very mysteriously. So maybe we will see him again in the future!
Tags: chinese food, communism, Franklin and Bash
I’m just going to say it.
I wish to make a complaint.
The last time I checked in with Herro Prease! I complained about the lawmedy known as Franklin & Bash and it’s almost certain cancellation. Besides simply the unabashed lack of creativity spent developing the show, its other offense was the careless abuse of the actor Mark-Paul Gosselaar, also known as the blonde Tom Cruise. He deserved better.
But anyway, here it is:
Chinese takeout restaurants have been grossly encroaching on the safety standards of modern-American takeout procedure that had been in place for over 50 years. It’s been such a slow and often seamless overstepping of food safety that a communist takeover of this country seems more and more likely.
Think about ordering take-out as a youngster, even say, 10 years ago. You had the same brown paper bag, the same tin, paper box, or styrofoam container, a few napkins, and the timeless fortune cookie.
Fast-forward to modern day. Now try picturing the placid landscape of exotic fried food from the orient as it is when it arrives at your doorstep. At first it will seem normal, but now try simply opening the bag. The sweet, tender yield of a paper bag is supplanted with the resistance of atleast 3 staples on the opening of the bag.
Staples, commonly an office fixture for holding together documents that should seldom be pulled apart, are in no way at fault. They are a good office utensil. They are more permanent than a paperclip, and less permanent than adhesive, they are the best of both of the worlds, and should be lauded for that.
But chinese food take out places have irresponsibly, and possibly with malice, taken the virtue of the staple and placed it within the take out food realm. This is bad, and the reasons are as follows:
1. The use of staples violates the criteria required of a take out carrier container. Take out carrier containers require two criteria:
a.) The take out container must be able to adeptly hold the item.
b.) The take out container must have a clever device to which a human hand, and not a jostle of the container, is able to open.
The difference between the “device” I have described and the ability to “hold,” or the two criteria I just mentioned are radically different, something that Chinese take out packaging procedure has ignored. One involves the intelligence of a human being, the other is the product of engineering. You see, the “clever device” is the part that is to be impenetrable to the wear and tear that occurs in transportation. It is “clever” because it is not activated by pure force, but by the willful employment of human intelligence. Examlples of “clever devices” are the tuck-under flap on styrofoam containers, the fold-over-the-sides margin on tin packaging, and the variation of the tuck-under flap on the paper box packaging. All ably do their duty. All are impenetrable to normal wear and tear but can be activated by a human readily. The use of staples clearly violates this construct. By attempting to use staples as a bit of added security to their already stellar packaging, the chinese food take out restaurant has thus impeded one essential element of the takeout container in lieu of the added support relevant in the “holding” element.
This creates a problem. Staples are not for the human hand. Yes, you could argue that staples do fit the characteristic of the “clever device” element I described earlier, since we humans are aware of how to pull them out. BUT the “clever device” element is not composed only of simple human intelligence, but human intelligence and ability. And human beings have not the dexterity nor the derma-strength to take out one of these bitches manually, and no one, should ever, under any circumstances, readily have a staple remover. Thus, the bag becomes such a painful and tedious process that you end up tearing the bag and risk puncturing skin in the process.
2. Isn’t the idea to keep small pieces of metal AWAY from food? I mean, c’mon Chinese food, you already have a pretty miserable reputation on proper food preparedness/food composition that you can’t be taking risks with thin pieces of metal. The reputation, by the way, is no longer a reputation, but firmly a part of American lore.
That is all.
Please take note. Keep calm and carry on, and other phrases.